Hello Qurious Readers!
The word “why” is showing up for me a lot lately. I hear this daily from my 11 and 15 year olds. It is used in a variety of tones and situations. Some have me responding (or really wanting to) with, “Because I said so. End of discussion. Just do it.” (You get the point.) When my children were toddlers and started asking “why” constantly, it was exciting at first; they were reaching a developmental milestone. I could see their little minds working to try and understand what was happening around them. They were curious. They were trying to make sense of their world. Yes, it was exhausting and frustrating at times, particularly when I had a large task list, didn’t know the answer, or was just annoyed. Making sense of the world around us is natural and important; understanding the “why” when decisions and changes are made, helps us to feel psychologically safe--it builds trust. And, we don’t have to know all the answers. Our job as leaders, youth serving providers, parents, friends, etc. is to listen, validate and create spaces where people (of all ages) trust that you are in it with them and you will figure it out together.
Here are two scenarios to consider:
CEO: As of January 1st, 2025, kids cannot bring cell phones into programming for safety reasons.
Staff (thought bubble response): Did something happen? What will this mean for communication? They didn’t even talk to us about it, they don’t know what happens on-site, etc., etc.
Alternative:
CEO: In January 2025, we are going to implement a new policy where youth cannot bring cell phones into programming. We know this may bring up a lot of questions and feelings, which makes sense. There was an incident of cyber bullying that was happening during programming and we decided for the safety of all youth, no cell phones will be permitted. Safety is a core value of the organization and we will work with everyone to craft messaging to parents and youth and be available to support you all as needed with this transition.
Staff (thought bubble response): Oh that’s scary. I hope the kid it happened to is ok. This is going to be a pain, but it makes sense and I’m glad they are going to help us with messaging this to parents and families.
Do you feel the difference?
Youth: Why can’t we just play games? Why do we have to do a stupid lesson?
Staff: The lessons aren’t stupid. That’s what we have to do. Put the games away now. Please. (You can imagine the tone. I know I’ve said a version of this when I ran programs)
Alternative:
Staff: Sounds like you are really enjoying playing the game. I like playing games too and it’s hard to stop doing something we are enjoying so it makes sense that you don’t want to stop. We do lessons in group so we can learn and practice skills that will make us better listeners and friends. My friends are important to me so the lessons help me too. I see how much you like being with your friends so we want to learn together how we can be the best friends possible. I would love for you to help me plan some of the lessons so they aren’t stupid…no one wants that. 🙂
Bottom line: We all want to know why decisions are made and how it will impact us. We are curious and want to understand our environment, it helps us feel safe and connected. Get EQurious the next time you feel the “urge” to say “because I said so” (or some version of that) in your life and consider the alternative impact if you pause and take time to explain the “why.”
Until next time…stay EQurious!
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