“Can’t Push a Button You Don’t Have”
Hello Qurious Readers!
I was in a workshop a couple years ago and the facilitator dropped a nugget that really stuck as we talked about developing our leadership skills: “No one can push a button that you don’t have.” How many of you have said (or thought), “that person just really pushes my buttons,” or “that kid (possibly my own) just knows exactly how to push my buttons.” Recently, this came roaring up after I received an email from a colleague…here is what happened:
I sent out a group invitation to attend an event my team is hosting. I eagerly awaited responses from the various invitees. One person did not respond to me, but rather to a colleague and questioned the intent of the event, why they were receiving the communication, etc. When my colleague passed on the information, I was instantly frustrated, annoyed, etc. etc. and vented to several of my colleagues. Why didn’t they just reach out to me? How do you not see how important this is? (You get the idea…has anyone ever done this???) While those I vented to, rallied behind me like the awesome coworkers they are, I left work feeling a bit icky about my response. I took a step back and got curious about my reaction, and while all the things I was frustrated about may have been valid and my feelings certainly were, I didn’t realize my inner buttons were being pushed (You are not enough; You don’t do your job well enough; You need to communicate better, etc.).Here is the process that I am working on and invite you to try:
- I reflected back to what my bodily response was reading the email response (e.g., my chest is tightening, my shoulders stiffen, my breathing shifts, etc.) and going forward I will work on noticing it in the moment when a button is being (or about to be) touched.
- My default response was to vent and “gather my troops” to rally behind me and not just validate my experience, but to agree with me. Going forward, when I notice myself defaulting to this strategy (which has served me over the years!), pause and see it as an invitation to go deeper in understanding and identifying the button that is being touched/pushed/stomped on.
- Once I created that space and the button was released, my body returned to a regulated state and I was able to respond from a place of authenticity and curiosity: two of my core values.
We all have buttons (which totally make sense based on our backgrounds and experiences) AND we have the ability to manage if they are “pushed” (and the intensity). I don’t think the goal is to “eliminate” buttons as they are a part of us, but rather explore and be curious about them. The next time you are at work, running programming or at home and notice a button is being pushed, see what happens when you choose curiosity before responding OR reflect and grow on a post button-pushing response, like me! .
Until next time…stay EQurious!
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