The Power of Dialogue
Hello Qurious Readers!
I am writing this post the day after the presidential debate which sparked my curiosity. It is not a post about politics, but rather about how we handle situations, topics, comments, questions that are challenging, controversial, contentious, etc. The point of a debate is to make persuasive arguments on particular issues and “win”. How many times have you said to youth in your program (or your own children), “This is not up for debate.”? Young people often try to “win” arguments to convince adults (and peers) of something they want or that they are right about something. How can we intentionally and proactively create and cultivate an environment of inclusivity, growth and perspective taking (at the office, in programming, at home, etc.)?
Sounds easy, right?
Creating the space and conditions for dialogue is critical for all of us, particularly in the climate in which we live. We are divided on so many issues, and regardless of where you land on an issue, we have an opportunity to model a process for young people (and adults) around us so they feel psychologically safe in our afterschool spaces. I learned and practiced a technique in graduate school called LARA. It is a tool for responding to comments or questions, especially hostile or threatening ones. After watching the debate last night, it felt important for me as a SEAL focused leader to revisit this tool and have it “at the ready” for future political (and many other) conversations (I practiced this morning with my 15 year old on a TikTok topic…I’ll save that story for another time!)
Here is the LARA method broken down:
LISTEN: Connect deeply with the person and listen with your whole heart and with empathy to understand what beliefs and feelings lie at the core of the question or statement.
AFFIRM: Express the connection you discovered while listening, whether it’s a feeling, an experience, or a principle you have in common with the other person and validate their experience.
RESPOND: Answer the question and respond to the issues that the person raised; demonstrating you are taking the question/issue seriously.
ADD INFORMATION/INQUIRE: After the first three are complete, it is a good time to offer resources, share a personal anecdote, and/or inquire further about the person’s perspective.
Here is an example of a conversation that I had with a program lead when I worked at an afterschool organization:
Statement made by staff: I don’t think it’s right that youth speak in Spanish at the site, it just causes fights with the youth and I don’t know how to stop it.
L: I heard frustration and maybe some fear from the staff person that she did not understand what the youth were saying and that made her feel a bit scared and helpless at times to prevent conflicts between the youth.
A: “It makes sense that you want all young people at site to feel included and understand what is being shared and that you also want to understand so you know how to best support youth. You clearly care about the youth and want to keep them safe.”
R: “My concern in restricting youth from speaking their native language is they will not feel validated in who they are and feel like they can express their authentic selves, which is a value of our organization”
A: “I know another OST organization that has navigated the use of various languages in programming really well, I am happy to connect you with them and/or set up some time for us to do a site visit so we can navigate it together.” I went on to inquire a bit more about her experience being in spaces with others that are speaking a language she didn’t understand, so I could understand more about her history/experience.
The one thing that stood out to me after that interaction was the staff’s defenses went down immediately when I listened and affirmed her. Her shoulders relaxed and she wasn’t in “fight” mode. She could feel that I was there to listen and hear her perspective which led to an openness to my response and suggestion.
Consider trying the LARA method the next time you find yourself (or anticipate) a challenging interaction (political or not!). It takes intentionality and a lot of PRACTICE---you got this!
Until next time…stay EQurious!
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