Practicing Boundary Setting
Hello Qurious Readers!
The word “boundary” is a bit loaded and “buzzy” these days (at least for me anyway) AND when my 11 year old spontaneously used the word this week, I paid attention in a different way. Let me set the stage for you all:
I picked my daughter up from school (she’s in 6th grade) this week and she immediately started sharing all the ups and downs of her day (love this part of the day!). She paused for a moment and said, “I think that my friends are getting a little too comfortable with me. They have started touching my hair (again).” My daughter has thick curly hair which she describes as “puffy.” (Now…this is an important topic of its own, but for today we will focus on the next part of her sentence). She said directly to two of her friends that impulsively came up to her, at different points in the day, and “patted” her ponytail, “It is not ok for you to touch my hair, I would appreciate it if you do not do that again without my permission.” Magical words followed, “I am practicing setting boundaries, mom.” Who is this child??? At 11 years old, she is practicing something that so many adults, myself included, struggle with: setting a boundary when someone is doing something to you or asking something of you, that makes you uncomfortable. Setting this boundary is risky for a tween girl whose friends and relationships are the center of her world. These particular girls are in her "inner circle” and she said, “I think they were a little upset with me, but they needed to know it’s not ok.”
This moment with my daughter has me thinking about the power of the adult/youth relationship in afterschool programs. How are we teaching our young people explicitly how to practice setting boundaries? It starts small (doesn’t everything?). What types of conflicts are your young people getting into? Someone touched or took my things without asking. This kid is sitting too close to me and I feel uncomfortable. The list goes on and on. I invite you all to get curious about how YOU are practicing boundary setting and how you are holding space for OTHERS to set and hold their boundaries. How are we teaching and modeling the skills?
My daughter and I have talked for years about her hair and that it is her right to say “no” at any point when people ask or do not ask to touch her hair. She expressed some frustration that she is having to re-establish this boundary (she had this conversation several times with them over the years) with two of her close friends. I validated that feeling of frustration and added, “That’s the tricky part about boundaries, we have to keep practicing and holding others accountable to them over and over again, and that’s hard.”
Until next time…stay EQurious!
|
|